Mommy Stress

Being a mom is the best job in the world…the best most stressful job in the world. Yeah, being a mom is great and rewarding but intense and demanding.  It is fulfilling and completely draining.

Being mom is a job that is never done, and you never feel like it doesnt deserve even more than you have given it.

Today being a mom is more stressful than ever.  The expectations of moms has increased exponentially over the past decade.

I blame changing societal expectations and social media equally.  Kids are no longer seen roaming the neighborhood, and cops are called if a child is playing basketball in the front yard waiting for their parents.  Gone are the days of shooing your little one out the door to walk to school with a key around their neck to get back in.  Gone are the days of riding your bikes from one friend’s house to another with little more than an instruction to be home at dark.

In the place of these freer times we now find the expectation of constant supervision, increased engagement, and a greater involvement in achievement.

How does this translate to more mommy stress? well…

Nowadays all that down time mom had while the kids were outside playing with each other is spent trying to get things done while kids are complaining underfoot. This is pretty much detrimental to all involved.  It escalates mommy stress.  It also deprives children of all that social skill building of peer interactions, and contributes to the ongoing issue of childhood obesity and decreased exercise.

Increased engagement expectations mean that moms now spend more time arranging play dates, scheduling extra curriculars, and planning crafts and outings.  That is all nice in moderation, but a generation ago this was not a societal expectation.  Mom was a good mom if you were fed and safe.  Fun was the kids responsibility and crafting happened at school, in girl scouts, and using twigs from the backyard.  Today the definition of an engaged parent has shifted from the parent who goes to open house to the parent who has themed play dates with organic snacks and takes educational outings to museums between craft projects.  Here is where social media doomed us.  All of this active parenting is wonderful in moderation…but what is moderation? When we see all over facebook and pinterest all these amazing things other kids and families are doing.  Then we do the worst thing possible it not only becomes keeping up with the Jones but the Smiths and Greens too because everybody has done something good, and now we need to do everything each of them have done.

Poor mom is also now responsible for how well the child performs in school.  That may not be fair- Parents were always responsible for making sure a kid did their homework.  But now there is a whole new level and the end result is seen more as a reflection on the parent than ever before. The expected level of parent involvement is so much higher than a generation ago. This is amazingly beneficial when it comes to additional material review and skill reinforcement.  It is not helping our kids learn to handle their challenges and take responsibilities such as turning in their own homework and relaying information effectively.  the parent expectation is higher and the reflection on the mother is higher the result is increased involvement and the increased stress that comes with it.

So lets get this straight The moms of the last generation had time to themselves while kids were out playing and getting exercise. They made dinner while kids did homework not after doing homework over the child’s shoulder. AND the moms of yesteryear didn’t spend oodles of time and money on outings, planned events, and crafting.

Well if that is not enough to justify the sense of mommy stress you may be feeling lets just add the financial component.

Where I live in 1980 the average house cost 28,000 dollars.  Today that average house costs 440,000 dollars.  Now that is Southern California but Nationwide since 1970 the median income has increased by 452 percent while housing costs have risen 1050 percent.

So there is our problem.  Mom’s have to work now.  What used to be a choice for many is frequently now a requirement.  All the while the expectation has shifted to going the extra mile, ensuring constant supervision, and engagement for children has left no wiggle room and no means of ever feeling that we have done enough well enough for our children.

Geez just writing it makes me have more mommy stress.

With all of this weighing down on us it is often laughable when the advice mom’s get is simply to take more time for themselves.  I often scoff at the idea thinking- yeah cause that is gonna happen.  I mean if that was happening maybe there wouldn’t be so much mommy stress in the world.  Mommy stress was not the issue it is today a generation ago for pretty obvious reasons. Kids were outside running around drinking from hoses without sunscreen on.  Moms were not working 40 hours to rush to soccer practice, then take kids to museums, while seeking out organic milk, and ensuring their child is never out of eye sight or unprotected from the sun for even a moment!

Seriously I had countless sun burns by the age of 7.  My son not a single one…gold star for me.

Anyway, so now what we can be arrested for letting our kids run around loose.  I guess as fantastic as free ranging sounds I cannot really advocate that…perhaps in part because I work with murderers everyday and I live in Southern California. But middle ground has to be there.  Right it just has to be!!

So this is what I do to try to keep the mommy stress at bay.

1.  Routines and Schedules When I know that everything that needs to get done has a spot in the weekly routine I know where the openings are for extras.  By needs to get done I mean work and homework but also stuff like grocery shopping and cleaning the house.  Fun stuff like day trips and play dates get slotted in where space allows. It keeps chaos in check I swear.

2. Revisiting expectations.  What expectations do you feel are placed on you as a mom and which of those do you agree with?  Think about what you value for your children more than anything else.  Let your heart be your guide.  You do not need to do everything you see other people doing in Facebook.  Your kids do not need to master 3 instruments and 2 sports for you to be a good mom.  What is reasonable for your time and finances and what do you value.  That is really just something to sit with and tease out if you are feeling overwhelmed.

3.  Lists.  I love lists.  I Loooovvveee lists.  Bury me with a paper and pen because I will be writing to do lists in the after life.  Lists stress some people out, but for me they are a brain purge.  It frees my mind of the stress of remembering.  That is real stress mind you when you keep remembering but then forgetting to schedule your child’s annual doctors appointment or to get a birthday present for their little buddy.  Just carrying a notebook around with me lets me relax in some way.

4. Time out with the kids. We have established that time out away from the kids is sorta laughable for many. Not really the ha ha kind of laugh more of a guffaw really.  For me at least sometimes just that would make the stress worse because many moms already feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with the kids.  So how do you take down time with kids (while they are conscious).  In quiet times.  Amazing things happen when we hold and emotionally engage with our kids.  The seratonin and oxytocin swell in our brains bringing feelings of love and contentment.  This does not happen when we are rushing to and fro.  It does happen when we pull them close and look them in the eye and when we kiss them and hug them.  Sometimes a few minutes watching them play at the park with a brief cuddle or holding them on your lap reading can be extremely therapeutic down time for you and them.  After a stressful day at work I love it when they let me hold them on the couch for a few minutes.

5. Exercise with kids.  Exercise is so important for managing stress.  Exercising with kids is great for them and you AND to reduce stress.  Its a win win win.  Take a walk, collect leaves, look for birds.  Whatever just the time together outside is exercise and a time out with the kids.

6. Sleep.  “We all need more sleep around here” a mantra of mine when everybody is feeling tense.  Kids need rest you need rest.  Put it in the schedule.  Then turn off the TV.  This is hard but that Netflix show will still be there and the DVR probably wont overflow.  TV feels good in the moment but does not equate to less stress the next day.  The impact is only the distraction of that moment.  Choose sleep and methods of relaxation that have longer lasting impact.

7. Partner Intimacy.  Don’t carry mommy stress alone.  Get some physical and emotional connection with your partner each day.  The relaxation of intimate partner contact is immeasurable.  Make time to cuddle and hear each other.  Feeling loved and supported soothes much.

8. Make Friends with Their Friend’s Mom. It can feel lame to be seeking a deeper relationship with someone you have only met because your kid likes their kid.  But why not?  In what wonderful way did you meet all your other friends?  Just hopefully your kid has decent taste in friends.  Anyway, it is such a gift to everybody when the kids can play and you and the other mom can connect and talk and feel like without depriving your kids of anything you got friend time too.  Those connections are gold for mommy stress.  You win, the kids win everybody walks away feeling like they got a break and had a good time.  The added bonus is the social network and support structure that comes with it in terms of babysitting and managing emergency situations.  Moms need other moms and the best moms are the ones that have kids your kid is friends with!  Basically we should all just embrace that your kid is now in charge of most everything in your life including picking your friends.  It has brought some delightful people into my life.

Mommy stress challenge to you is to try one of these each week and see what makes you feel more balanced in life.

If you have other means of fighting off mommy stress let me know!  We all need more peace and balance.  I would love to hear about it.

 

 

 

 

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