3 Good 1 Bad: A Child’s Daily Positivity Challenge

Each night I ask my kids to tell me 3 good things that happened during their day and one bad thing.

“WHY?” is the reaction that I get from most people when the topic comes up in conversation.

Well, It is nothing that I read about anywhere this one certainly did not come from any book or peer reviewed journal article about child psychology. I just got sick of asking my oldest son about his day and not getting much information. “How was your day?” was met with “Fine or good.” If asked a more specific question like “What happened at recess?” I was much more likely to get a more complete response. However, I was just guessing that recess may have been when something interesting had happened.

When something had gone poorly or made him angry I was sure to get an earful, though without any established framework of positive recognition it was difficult in those moments to redirect or reframe his thoughts. I have found that for children the world spins quickly the day rushes to an end just in time for a new one to begin. I wanted them to reflect on their day. I wanted them to think about how wonderful life really was despite the frustrations. I wanted them to build a habit of thinking positively and not choosing to hold onto the negative. I also wanted to build and maintain a connection with them that I hope to carry through their teens. And finally, selfishly I wanted them to know me better and more completely.

I decided one night to ask my oldest to tell me 3 good things that happened during the day and one bad thing. It was interesting at first he struggled to think of 3 good things. He could have a wonderful day full of play dates and his favorite dinner, but he struggled. He was only 4 years old at the time and he struggled to reflect on the events of his day as we lie there in pajamas about to read a bedtime story. He would give very broad statements like “My play date.” This gave me the chance to ask what the best part of his play date was. It gave me a way to not have to just guess that recess might have been when something interesting had happened in his day. It gave me a direction in which to probe. It also gave me the chance to model for him that a small moment can be a big chunk of happiness.

Each night I asked him for his 3 good things and one bad thing that had happened during his day. He got better and better at reflecting and putting the pieces of his day together. That reflection and sorting events and moments into good and bad I felt helped him to see how many more good things had generally happened in his day than bad. Joey may have been mean on the playground and that may have weighed heavy on his mind, but when asked to select 3 good things that had happened during the day the incident that had bothered him so much an hour earlier is put into perspective. Every night after we were done hearing his 3 good and one bad he got to hear mine. A child is not inclined to explore and inquire about their mother’s day. It is part of why often children do not have a very complete picture of who their mommy is outside of how she interacts directly with them. Now obviously my 3 good, 1 bad responses were adjusted for child suitability but there is so much of you to share with your child that is perfectly suitable. It also served as an opportunity to teach him the value of small joys. One day I might say that one of my 3 best things that day was our good morning snuggle, or the spring flowers that just started booming, or the evening temperature on our walk.

Some wonder why even ask for the one bad thing if the point of the exercise is to teach gratitude? My response to that question is two-fold. First of all the exercise is about connecting with your child as much as it is about gratitude. Secondly, disappointment and negative events are a part of each of our days. They deserve recognition and a balancing of perspective. If you broke your arm that day it would be very easy to feel that the day was horrible, and to find yourself in a very negative space. Reflecting for a few moments on some of the good moments in the day such as the support you got from your family and events that had nothing to do with the arm breaking can quickly bring our mood and perspective back to a healthier place. That said talking about the bad is important as well. We have a human need to share our hurt with others, it is, unfortunately, our joy that we are more likely to let pass without sharing. In talking about the bad I also found a terrific opening to model empathy for others. Sometimes the bad thing that happened during our day is something that happened to someone that we love. Initially, a child is not inclined to include an event that had happened to someone else. When this is modeled for them it teaches them to think about how things that happen to their friends and loved ones impact them.

This can sound like a time-consuming task. I assure you that it is not. Not every answer that is given needs to result in a long in depth conversation in fact most do not. Many of the responses are going to be about simple pleasures like having gotten to have pepperoni pizza for dinner, or being chosen first for dodge ball teams. Most nights this takes a few moments and is a great way to fill the time while getting the kids ready for bed or to help them wind down and relax for bedtime stories. If you think this holds any interest to you I would challenge you to do it for 3 weeks straight before you throw in the towel on the idea. It can be awkward and full of repetitive uninsightful responses as it gets established. I also would highly recommend that mom and/or dad participates as well. This is where the modeling occurs. The grown ups responses demonstrate other ways to view events that have occurred and ways of making sense of them.