10 Meaningful Ways to Connet With Children

Why do we seek a greater bond with our children? Sometimes it is because we have been busy and in all the rushing and racing about we feel that we have not been bonding. Maybe we are seeking a bond because we see them growing and fear them slipping away. But maybe we are seeking a connection and greater bond for the future.

I have wondered many times why in other cultures family seems to hold a greater importance than it does in ours. I do not mean a greater importance to the culture as a whole but rather within each family in a culture. The obvious answer there is that in some other cultures that connection is forged and engrained in a more consistent manner than it is in ours. It is my suggestion that through the use of ongoing strategies in early childhood the development of strong secure bonds can be developed. The kind of bonds that carry through those harsh teenage years allowing paths of communication to remain open through the most challenging of times in our children’s lives. I think if we take for granted our children’s interest and natural desire to connect with us in early childhood we are setting ourselves up for trouble when the dreaded teen years arrive. At that point when a child’s natural tendency is to pull away, it is that much easier for the pathways of communication to break down.

Compare it to rubber bands. If you take a thin small rubber band and place it over both of your hands it may work when your hands are together, much like communication and connection with a young child. As you pull those hands in opposite directions the band cannot go far without breaking under the strain. This separation of the hands represents the individuation phase of adolescence. now if you take a thick, flexible, strong rubber band and you put that over your two hands and pull that in opposite directions you can go much further without strain or breakage. We want to utilize early childhood to develop strong, flexible, reciprocal paths of communication and connectivity. That way in adolescence our bond to our children continues to stretch, adapt, and has the strength to hold us together without straining or breaking.

So now what do we do to build a strong flexible rubber band of communication?

Read to them…leave a note in their lunch box. These are wonderful ways to connect with our kids but there is nothing new here. We all know this and well who wants to read about the same things we already know.

I know I don’t.

Here are some more specific- More unique ways to forge that bond we seek.

Connect With Children

Join Them in Their Passion. If your child is passionate about guitar it is one thing to be the parent who takes them to guitar lesson then sits and waits. That is lovely and supportive, but it is not what I mean by joining them in their passion. To join them in their passion is to share in their passion through engagement. That is where it becomes up to you to decide how to do this. You do not have to engage in everything they love over the years, in fact, there may be man interests you wait hopefully to have pass. However, there will be passions and joys for you to embrace based on your own choices and personality. Back to the idea of guitar. You could take up guitar too so you can practice together. You could find songs for them to enjoy, put stickers embracing guitar playing on the back of the family car, try to arrange for them to see or maybe even meet an idol. Whatever it takes to make your child see you as more than a passive observer to their interest. In my world, this takes many forms. My oldest found a joy in Ninja Turtles around the age of 4. He persisted in this passion. We have sought out seeing made over Ninja Turtle vans, meeting Ninja turtles, put a few ninja turtle throw pillows on the couch, I have Ninja turtle pajamas, when the new series came out we had a premiere party with pizza, and I have even been known to carry a Ninja Turtle purse. It is silly and it means my life screams that I have little boys. I enjoy it, though, because they see me as joining their fun not watching from the sidelines. I have also found that when you have the confidence to stray from the norm you find admiration and approachability. I have had so many more compliments on my Ninja Turtle purse than I have ever had on my Burberry purse. It starts conversations, results in smiles and engagement. The world needs more of that so jump in there.
Kick the Reading Up a Notch. Alright I know I said the old reading standby would not be on here, but let me clarify. This is not the same old reading. This is engaged reading. This is the kind of reading that develops into a lifelong love of reading. This is the kind of reading that feels to a kid like play. This is the good stuff. I think all reading to children is good. Do not get me wrong. What I advocate here, however, is not your standard same mildly amusing story read night after night. I am always looking for engagement because engagement=learning, engagement=bonding, engagement= enthusiasm. So read something new. Hit the library with the kids on a regular basis. I like to read books that are above the level they could read to themselves and in the range where they have to really pay attention to make all the connections. Then as you are reading stop and talk about what they have heard and see if they are making the connections in the plot. This builds comprehension skills and keeps them…you guessed it ENGAGED. I have a section on this site that lists books I enjoy with my boys. Another thing I like to do is review the book after the fact. Sometimes there are great movies out there to watch based on the book, like James and the Giant Peach, Holes, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You can draw a picture or just talk about it. Sometimes the kids get so into the characters they start dressing up like them and acting out story plots in their play.
Daily Recap and Connect. Of course, when you are talking about connecting you are talking about talking. It can be hard to talk about your day with your kid and to have them talk to you about theirs. Trust me though both of those are important. Sometimes if we go too long and there is too much distance we don’t know where to start. A great way to prevent that from happening is to do a daily check in. How to do that though without getting a “fine, or okay?” I like to use the 3 Good 1 Bad strategy. In addition to being a terrific means of getting meaningful information about their day, their interests, and providing great insights into the child it also increases awareness of positive life events. In turn, this promotes positive thinking. When we are thinking positively it impacts our health, improves our ambition, or self-confidence, and opens us up for more positive bonding. The link above will take you to a more complete discussion of this strategy. In short you and your child exchange list each day as part of the bedtime routine about 3 good things that happened during the day and 1 bad thing then discuss them as warranted.
Loop Them into Your Passion. A good example of this is a mother who takes her children to church with her each week. Bringing children into our interests is a great way to pass on knowledge and values. It can be any child-appropriate interest. The point of this is that it is important that the communication and insight into who we are is a mutual experience. The child benefits from knowing what is in their parent’s heart as well. It teaches many things including enhanced empathy, and being able to see the world from another’s perspective. One small example of this from my life is taking the children with me to vote. I have gone out of my way to pick them up to take them with me to vote, honestly just because I want them to see me vote. I also enjoy walks so they often have no choice but to walk with me. I enjoy baking so they bake with me. I garden so my children garden. They learn values and they learn more about who their mother is. Involving children in your activities generally slows you down and can complicate things, but the bonding is priceless and the learning is forever.
Meet Them Where They Are. Children are children they are not little adults. They do not think like adults. They do not experience their emotions the way that adults do. It can be very disruptive to the connection between a parent and a child when the child feels they are not understood or the parent places an unreasonable expectation of a child to behave as an adult would. When they are happy join them in their happy and take a moment to feel their happy. It may be nothing to you but to them, it is something so take the moment to recognize that something. On the same note when they are sad join them in their sad. If someone did something minor to hurt their feelings get down on their level and listen to that. However minor the slight may seem to you it is not feeling minor to them. We often expect children to understand why we think and feel what we think and feel, but it is equally important to let them know that you understand what they think and feel. This really does apply to even the smallest of things. One example, my son won a prize for getting the lunch tray at school with the winning sticker on the bottom. The prize was something you could find at a dollar store and I was busy at the moment. I responded with a placating, “that’s nice.” I could hear the hurt enter his voice at my dismissiveness. I stopped and it only took a minute to show more appropriate interest in his joy. I asked if he learned that he had won before or after he ate and what his best friend had said about his win. I asked him where he went to pick up his prize. Just asking those basic questions left him feeling that I had an interest in his moment of joy. That is the essence of a connection.
Build Routines Together. Routines ensure that there are moments set aside for time together. A classic example is the family dinner together each night or on Sunday. Those are great but there are so many other routines that could be built. The possibilities are endless. The best routines are moments together that are able to be adhered to consistently and are something that everyone can look forward to. Some other ideas to get your creativity going would be breakfast for dinner Mondays, 20 minutes of Mario Kart together as a family before heading up to bath, evening dog walks, or going bowling the first Sunday of each month. Whatever it is the purpose of the routine is to prioritize time that is spent together by giving it a space in your schedule. The kids know that even if you are busy right now that pizza and movie Friday evening is coming and that is going to be fun.
Learn Something Together. We tell our kids they can learn anything and they can be anything. We need to show them. Take on something new with your kids. Show them that mom and dad don’t know everything and that it can be enjoyable to seek out new knowledge and skills. It is great when it can be shared interest. My oldest wants to be a zoologist and loves animals. We began to learn together about the birds of prey in our area and animal tracks. We started practicing those skills and applying that new knowledge during out day to day outings. As we learned more we learned more together. Now we have developed a new plan to take falconry classes together when he is old enough. It is wonderful for children to see their parents step outside of their comfort zone and tackle new challenges. Let them see that learning is a lifelong process, that people grow and change, and that challenges are fun.
Keep Those Hands Busy. When working with children as a therapist games and cards are often used to busy their hands. This helps them to open up more freely without focusing so much on what they are saying and while holding their attention. Playing simple card games like rummy, Old maid, and Uno can help facilitate open conversations with your kids. I also personally like to have a large puzzle set up on a table that at any point people can sit down to work on for a few minutes. When the kids sit down at the puzzle it is easy to join them and in that quiet moment talk about whatever is on their mind or yours.
Be Silly, Play, & Make the Most of the Day. Let the need to be a dignified adult slip away. Dress up with them, play with them, paint with them. Get messy, giggle, and squeal. They will remember the days you played and the times that mommy went out dressed up with them. When little holidays come up find simple ways to celebrate. Just taking the time to make St. Patrick’s day or Flag day a little bit of fun makes a big impact on kids. It can be as simple as a themed snack or drawing pictures to hang up as decorations. It can be as elaborate as scavenger hunts and small crafts. It is whatever you feel up to but by putting something in you are going to get something back in return. Connecting does not have to take a ton of time nor does it require a ton of effort. It takes intention and awareness.
Nature. Research has repeatedly shown us the positive impact being in nature has on our mood, our sense of health, and our receptiveness to others. This is the magic of camping, the age old tradition od family bonding. You leave the distractions behind, have a shared experience, busy the hands, and reap the added psychological benefits of nature. Now maybe you are not campers. Fortunately, you do not need to be campers to experience these benefits. A small hike, a stroll through the park, a picnic, a round of Frisbee, a walk on the beach anything that takes you together out into a natural space results in the same benefits.